Wednesday, July 22, 2009

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday



I went to see poet Saul Williams perform when I was in college and he touched on the subject of writer’s block. Essentially his take was that it doesn’t exist, or shouldn’t exist, in the sense that writing should come from experience and that you will write when you are ready.

Well, this has been one hell of a year--I swam in Lake Tahoe, watched a sunset in Santa Cruz, biked across The Golden Gate Bridge, burnt to a crisp on Venice Beach and watched on television as people rioted down my street to name a few things. However, all things, good and bad, must eventually come to an end and after a few days in Napa at the JVC dis-orientation retreat I am ready to say goodbye to the blog.

It seems like only yesterday I was driving down US-101 to Aptos, California ready to meet 70 other volunteers. I don’t think any of us had a clue of what we were getting ourselves into.

We hung out at retreat for five days talking about the values of JVC and getting to know one another. We would talk about our job placements and I would tell people I was working at a homeless facility and pretend like I was confident and ready for the challenge, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

The thought of working with the homeless scared me. Last summer I went to visit friends in Chicago a few weeks before JVC started and we were standing outside of a restaurant on a Monday night in Wrigleyville, the place was pretty dead and a couple of homeless men came up and started talking to us. One man was a Native American named Brian Blue Cloud, and he started doing a drunken rain dance for us and singing Billy Joel songs. It was funny for a little while. His friend came over and seemed pleasant enough at first, but then as the conversation continued things started to get a little more awkward. They started asking us for money and Brian Blue Cloud’s friend demanded we buy him beer and made a thinly veiled threat of violence. We walked away without any altercation, but it was still an uncomfortable situation that left me on edge.

That fear didn’t diminish when I walked into the men’s center for the first time, either. I saw a group of guys I had little in common with. Thoughts of mental illness, drug abuse and felonies raced through my head.

Slowly but surely my feelings changed. We shared conversations of politics and sports over cups of coffee, watched movies and laughed. They showered, did their laundry and on occasion I was able to give them bus passes, shelter referrals and help them with their legal matters.

My clients morphed from a homogenous population into actual human beings with names, hobbies, interests, families, funny stories, past lives and aspirations for the future.

A few weeks ago, while walking home I was stressing out about life after JVC when I spotted a couple of my favorite clients. I was stopped at a crosswalk and they were on the other side of the street. They waited for me to cross and we talked for a few minutes, and mid-way through the conversation, mood completely lifted, I realized that they were no longer my just my clients, they were also my friends.

I don’t mean to romanticize working with the homeless. It is difficult. It is challenging. It is tiring. But it has also been one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. I will always remember and be grateful for the lessons of honesty, dignity and living in the present moment that I have been fortunate enough to witness.

To end, I want to thank SVdP and everyone I’ve worked with for making this year possible. Also, I want to thank all of the amazing, talented, committed and inspiring JV's I’ve met who’ve made the experience as fun and meaningful as it’s been. Finally, I want to thank my family for their love and support--you guys are amazing.

One last thought for the year: To paraphrase St. Ignatius of Loyola, “Go forth and set the world on fire, just try not to burn down Oakland.”

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am really proud of you Ryan! Reading your blog has really been eye opening, touching, funny and a great way to feel a part of your year. Lots of love, Mom

Joanna said...

It's been a pleasure to read about your JVC journey on your blog. And I like your paraphrase of St. Ignatius!

Anonymous said...

It appears from your comments that your family really loves you. Well, don't forget that we do too. Thanks for all the coffee breaks and random trips to Taco Bell. I could tell you how much we'll miss you, but I'm sure that'll all come out on Friday (eeks!).

See you in five minutes! - Lori

Mikoto said...

I've really enjoyed reading your blog over this past year and glad that we got to know you a little better. Thanks for sharing the view through your eyes. Do keep us posted if you start up another blog at alternate designation!

Jay and Marti said...

Education is so about being changed as opposed to changing the world. It sounds like this has been a really terrific education. We are proud of you, Ryan, and know you will take God's Grace with you to whatever you do next.

Best of luck,
Jay and Marti

Anonymous said...

What a touching and honest posting about your experience over the last year! Thanks, Ryan, for letting us see more of you and more of what you are experiencing in the world.

It sounds like you've been given a tremendous gift in seeing the world in a new way. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Puffin said...

Hi Ryan,

I was searching a retreat center in Bay area and found your blog. I am looking for one I can spend a quiet Thanksgiving in this area. Do you know any good one? Currently I live in Berkeley. I found Jesuit Retreat Center in Los Altos, but I am hoping to find one near east bay as I don't want to drive down..

If you know any good one, would you suggest? Thanks.

juliet calabrese said...

I know Brian BlueCloud! His dad is a professor at a university in minnesota. I met his babymama and daughter. He's really well educated and polished. Native Americans are usually mistaken as homeless people when this is their home.